I keep a highlighter in my purse and by my nightstand. Reading on-the-go and in bed, highlighter near by. Tonight I realized I must have misplaced my nightstand highlighter and moaned as I dragged myself out of bed to my purse. I cannot let a good passage go unmarked.
The loveliest people in my life tell me it is. My heart is bound to this state, to this land, to these people. But if they are telling me to go, if they know it is time, I should listen. But I hesitate to leave. How can I leave people who love me enough to let me go?
But, I won’t ever really be without them.
Mama, Dad and Kelse. My aging grandparents, who fill me with love and wisdom. My closest lady friends, who empower and encourage me. They won’t ever be far from me.
Even when they’re gone, they’re never really gone.
I won’t stay here another year, it is time to move.
because of this “snow storm” on my day off..
I guess Dunkin’ Donuts date with Katie W., thrifting with Anna and eating frozen pizzas and drinking wine with lady friends, showering with STNNNG blasting on my record player because my roomies are away, watching Bob’s Burgers and then reading Middlemarch until I fall asleep is as good as it’s going to get.
Take me back to where I was before I was born. It’s like sweet and dreamless sleep. It sounds like heaven to me.
and then I drove back, knocked on the door and did what I knew I had to do.
This time it was me. This time I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to be without ____, but it was right for me. I love you, dude. So, so, so much. But I need something you don’t have to give. You love me. You care about me. But you need to take the next step on your own.
My heart is broken again into a million little pieces. But it is the right thing to do because it would have been 10 million times harder if I didn’t do it now. Each time with you has been different, each time has been increasingly wonderful and each time has been very special. Something I will never forget or let go of, something that has made me a better person and something that changed me, made me more myself. This last time we fully understood one another, you came full circle and were one hundred percent yourself, nothing left to hide, nothing to be afraid or embarrassed of. You know me. I know you. Inside and out and we’re hooked, we’re friends for life, that won’t go away. But right now I can’t see your face without wanting to kiss it and I can’t sit in a room with you without your hand in mine. Friends will come later, or maybe when we’re very old and you find that piece of yourself that is missing, that piece I’ve already found, the piece I’ve built a solid foundation on, maybe then…
But for now. I’ve got to let it go. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as an adult. If letting you go, knowing we love one another and we’re always going to be in each others’ lives, one way or another, is the hardest thing I’ve had to do as an adult, I’m lucky. At the same time, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it’s too dang complicated and really hard to plow through emotionally. Mostly because it’s not about incompatibility or disagreements, it’s not even about loss of attraction or interest. Every element of a good lifelong companionship is there, except one thing. You don’t have a source of strength and peace. You don’t think about the future, because you can’t, because it will make you crazy with anxiety. You still hold on to an immense amount of fear and anxiety and I was taking that on myself, as something I could alleviate. Something that was about me, about us. But it wasn’t, it was bigger than that, it was about everything, not one thing. Because you have nothing to hold on to when things are uncertain, so you shut down, so you let go of everything…I was afraid of that happening again, I was anxious about your inability to face life’s difficulties without completely shutting yourself off that I was experiencing anxiety at the thought of you being anxious. It was a terrible feeling. Worrying that you would worry yourself into shutting down again. While it didn’t happen this time, I ended things because I knew it would happen again and when it did, it had to be you alone, dealing with it and you taking the steps necessary to find peace, it had to be you on your own, I couldn’t be involved. You fear that you won’t be able to bring anyone along, on this next step in your life, but if you did it would be me. I know that you can’t bring anyone with you, it has to be you on your own. Your inability to face uncertainty about your future with another person in your life is not going to change overnight, it is not going to be solved by being with me. You, knowing this about yourself, want it to not be this way, but you can’t change it on your own and you’re not hopeful that it will ever be different for you. Without that, I am doomed to float alone in this life, even when attached to you and I cannot let myself do that. If I choose to share this life with anyone, and at this point, I elect not to, they have to be a rock, drawing strength from outside of themselves.
The hard stuff that will be thrown at us later on in life…you won’t have anything to anchor yourself to when that comes, but I do. I need you to find your anchor, the one that enables you to think about the future and not fear, to commit to a decision and not worry, to be flexible and not anxious. You knew those things, for you, would not go away over night, but the wellspring from which growth comes is not inside of you, you have to find that..I can’t be that for you, no person can. I do not want to be that for you. I want you to find that and then, ideally, I guess I’d want you to come back and find me.
But for now what I need and what you can give are different. Not incompatible, not wrong, not impossible, but different.
It’s the timing and it’s, in all honesty, it’s our age. We’re not young and foolish with others anymore. You never were. I know what I want and you know what you want. I want you and you want me. And we both know we can’t be that for each other right now, as much as we want to, it’s just not the time.
It’s spanned 2 years, 4 different places I’ve lived and it’s always been you and it will be until someone surprises me, I die or we get old and find each other again. I was never looking, neither were you. I was never looking for anyone, I didn’t want it. I was content. Then I found you, someone with as weird as a brain as I have, someone who got me, someone who would never ask me to give up my independence, but who wanted me to let him be there for me. Someone who always made me laugh, who shared his deepest thoughts with me and listened to mine. Someone I felt connected to like no one else I’ve ever met. You were never looking, you have always assumed you’d be alone forever and that you should. But you found someone who understood you and loved you for all the things you didn’t think anyone would ever understand, someone who made you laugh, who made you feel like you, who made you confident and sure of yourself, who encouraged you and supported you.
I think mutually alone is how it has to be, hopefully we’ll never be without each other close by.
These lines in this book, more than any other in McCarthy’s Border Trilogy, have struck a chord in me and they will stay with me for a very long time.
“He lay looking up at the stars in their places and the hot belt of matter that ran the chord of the dark vault overhead and he put his hands on the ground on either side of him and pressed them against the earth and in that coldly burning canopy of black he slowly turned dead center to the world, all of it taut and trembling and moving enormous and alive under his hands.” pg. 119
“He thought the world’s heart beat at some terrible cost and that the world’s pain and its beauty moved in a relationship of diverging equity and that in this headlong deficit the blood of multitudes might ultimately be exacted for the vision of a single flower.” pg. 282
They almost make me cry to read them over and over again. How could he put into words how humanity desires to connect to the Earth, how does he put into words the weight of the world’s pain versus the lightness of its’ beauty.
I have now finished McCarthy’s Border Trilogy. Started with The Crossing, followed by the third (Cities of the Plain) and I just finished All The Pretty Horses (the first book). I read them out of “order” but it mattered very little.
I now feel like I can’t read anything besides Steinbeck and McCarthy, even my forever favorite, Rushdie, seems frivolous to me. Something about their stoic, gritty philosophy hits me so hard.
I want to keep reading McCarthy, read all of his books, but I feel like I should take a break.
What to read next?
Something tells me Dickens or a Toni Morrison novel is on its’ way, or maybe the Thomas Hardy novel I’ve given up on too many times, Far From the Madding Crowd or…Middlemarch. Who knows…
I have to wake up in six hours and it isn’t going to be fun. What I will do to finish a book and then write about it on this blog.