“Please know there are much better things in life than being lonely or liked or bitter or mean or self-conscious. We are all full of shit. Go love someone just because; I know your heart may be badly bruised, or even the victim of numerous knifings, but it will always heal, even if you don’t want it to; it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It is up to you to find them.”
I’m not a Chuck Palahniuk fan, but I this…
Darling, I’ve been badly bruised before, but I found you and you have always been gentle.
You’re not lame.
Sometimes the internet is lame, but sometimes it’s good for people like us.
I think we both think too much. Tonight I tried to take a break from thinking, but then it’s all I did.
Stuff you post hits me in the chest, the heart, the soul or whatever and it is good.
I write better than I communicate in person.
You should write more on your blog. I would read it. Please do it!!!
You’re awesome! I feel like you know me a little better than most of my sister’s friends, considering you read this and I don’t even think she does.
Okay, I should try to sleep.
I’m going through all my stuff, to downsize and throw stuff out and found this April 3, 2012 entry in a random sketchbook I had when I worked at the bank. I was two weeks away from leaving the bank to work at the Merc (where I will have my one year “Merciversary” on April 16). This year has flown by, seems like just yesterday I was sitting in that dark and dingy building, dreaming of a better job.
April 3, 2012
Today I think my biggest dream or whatever is to get the hell out of this hell hole! Yes, double hell! It’s that absurd. This place is a nasty corporate pit of kissing ass, faking kindness, lying to yourselves, finding pleasure in being bossy about small things that actually make no sense! It is depressing to see the path these people are on. Sad, sad lives. Luckily, there are a few people here who “know” like McCullers mentions in “The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter.” Tonight I’m going to: make one piece of art, eat frozen blackberries on the front porch and listen to records with my new headphones, budget a little, text Clayton about fixing my bike. All these are good and positive and will negate a day spent under fluorescent lights with ignorant cogs.
Whoa. And that was an understatement compared to how I felt most days.
Thankful for this past year, this job and what it has done for me and I know when I move on, soon, I will remember my time at the Merc so fondly because of what it rescued me from and who it brought into my life! Great people and great memories.
And now it’s been you.
But I can have all those things and be alone and be free and be on my own.
Why do things always come so late for me. The things I know I’m supposed to do, the people I know I’m supposed to surround myself with, the places I know I’m supposed to go.
We’re going to be old together. Separate and then old. Maybe I’ll love someone else. Probably I will. I’m a nurturer by nature. But you, I’ll always be there for you.
Trust me on this one. Before, with V_____, not so much. I was young and idealistic. You came out of the blue. You’re not going away, I’m not going away. We can’t make it work between the two of us. You can’t be more than one person to one person at a time. Right now you have to be you on your own. I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you. I want you to go at it alone. But you know I’ll always be there to cheer you on and someday I’ll be there to listen to you recount it all. I’m so happy things are the way they are. I can’t imagine not ever knowing you. It’s embarrassing, it’s cliched, but it’s true. There is a reason why we are in each others’ lives. Your brain is special and set up differently than the rest of us. You’ve fought against it and with it your whole life. You found someone who gets it, but you can’t change it. I wish you could, but part of me never wants you to stop being who you are. I’m okay with it. I’m finally letting it go.
The end….of a sentimental, sad sap, emotional roller coaster of a ride.
Sorry for blogging about it so much. It’s what it is. I’m a emotional and sentimental human.